The scan

We had our second ultrasound yesterday, the one where we get to find out if we're having a boy or a girl and where the experienced technician looks for any problems with the baby. I had to pee like you wouldn't believe, and was planning to do so as soon as we walked in, but to our surprise the technician was there waiting for us and ushered us right in. I said, "If this is going to take longer than about five minutes I'm not going to be able to hold it," and she said "Let's just have a look." So I lay on the table and forgot about my bladder as I watched this little babe curled up in my belly. I choked back a sob and let the tears roll down my face as she showed us a four-chambered heart beating away. It was a mixture of relief, as the anxiety I didn't quite realize was sitting under the surface melted away, and of joy, and of deep sadness as my thoughts drifted to Will and what my friends must have been feeling as they watched their baby's two-chambered heart struggling away. And then, as if reading my thoughts, she focused in on the face and said, "There's the lip, you can see it's perfectly formed, there's no cleft." And she showed us two legs curled up to the chest, and two arms, one of which was scratching the head, and a head and belly that were all perfectly formed. I lay there feeling so undeserving of such a precious gift, and so thankful, and so sad.

As we walked out to the car Tim said to me, "Why is it that in order to experience the greatest of joy you have to open yourself up to the most horrific pain?" I think it's because we live in a world where God is present, but He's not in charge. At the moment Satan or the devil, or evil, or human nature, or whatever you want to call it, is the ruler of this world. But when God comes and takes charge, life will be so dramatically different, we won't know what pain is. I find that so hard to imagine. But it's what I hope for.

As for Hattrick...if you want to know whether it's a boy or girl, you'll have to ask me. I don't think I'm ready to post that info for the world to see.