Grammy

My grandmother died last month. It's taken me a while to figure out how I feel about her passing. She was my mom's mom, affectionately known by me and my sisters as "Grammy". I cried a little when I got the phone call from my mom, but I struggled to understand how I was feeling. I think I felt more like I should be sad rather than actually feeling sad. I felt bad for my mom because it's hard to lose your mother regardless of your relationship with her. And I felt lonely since I was so far away from my grieving family. But I didn't really feel sad for myself.

The thing is, my grandmother wasn't a very nice woman. I won't go into detail because it's not my story to tell, but she was not nice to my mom, and my mom was scared of her well into adulthood. I was scared of her as a little girl, and so were my sisters. As we got older and she got older, she softened a little, but by that time she was in a nursing home and we didn't get to see much of her. She loved to call people "dummy" after they had walked away from her, and the care staff at her home had documented abuse from her throughout her stay. She didn't have any friends because she didn't like anybody. She complained to my mom about having to live in a home, but she refused to do any of the exercises that her physical therapist prescribed for her after hip surgery, so she was confined to a wheelchair for the last decade by her own choice. Her favorite saying was "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" which was a mantra she did not feel applied to her.

Towards the end, she grew more and more meek. She suffered from severe dementia, and sometimes didn't even recognize my mom. She would ask for Charlie, her second husband who died almost 10 years ago, and Frank, my grandfather who died before I was born. She was convinced that she was 100 years old, and she was tired of living. My mom saw her for the last time three days before she died, and my mom asked her if she knew how much my mom loved her. She replied "a bushel and a peck" which is what she used to tell my mom as a little girl. I'm thankful my mom has that sweet scene as one of her last memories of her mom.

I wish that I had more nice things to say about her, but she didn't give me much to work with. I wonder how she felt in the end, looking back on her life. She had no friends, not a single person other than her immediate family who wanted to spend time with her. What a sad ending to 83 years.

But still, I loved my Grammy. And I hope she is resting in peace now.