Recap

I have been so encouraged because I have found a way to commune with God that resonates with me in a way nothing else has. To sit in His presence without getting my logic involved, but to just relax and listen to his voice and let it sink in without having to grapple and try to 'get it' but rather to let it get me. I feel encouraged that God is doing my dishes because I am doing my dishes. I feel encouraged that I now know deep in my soul what I have known in my head from day one, that a mom who feels like her brain is on hold can still do the work of God.

And as a side, it was wonderfully satisfying to know that even in silence, my husband is still the funniest guy I know. And one of the wisest, too.

Session 6

Let God's gifts wean you away from selfishness and help you to let go of concern over what is yours by right. Desire nothing for yourself--nothing--neither pleasure, spirituality, nor the Kingdom of God, nor that you will be satisfied.

God's gifts wean.

I had the distinct impression that God rejoices each time I make a tiny step towards selflessness, just like parents clap hands at a baby's first mouthful of cereal. Just as a mother chooses and directs a baby's first meals, so God is weaning me from a life of selfishness. It is not my job to go home and stop being selfish but to allow God to wean me from selfishness. This is a task I can do, whereas to just stop being selfish is formidable. It was so encouraging to feel God's pleasure at my desire to take the first steps.

Session 5

Meister Eckhart is chopping logs. 'I could do that for you' offers God. 'You already are' says Meister Eckhart.

You already are.

Don't neglect the natural. In my background I have been taught to go after the supernatural, and my response to God's offer would have been, "yeah, great, thanks" as I expected to watch the logs magically split and neatly pile. But it occurred to me that I would be as well off praying that someone would find the cure for cancer or that we would be enlightened as to how to avoid cancer all together, as I would be praying for God to heal. Not to leave God out of the equation, but to recognize that all good things come from God, whether supernaturally or by the work of our hands. God has given us these bodies to use, not to overcome.

As Sister Lucy put it, God asked "Who is chopping logs?" And the response is I AM.

God, put it deep in me that all my actions are for You and by You because You are in me.

Session 4

We shall also find God in our most menial tasks. Indeed, when we perform a menial task with the same spiritual care as we perform our worship, then God will shine in us equally in both. All normal work in the world can be offered to God in the same way that we offer prayers.

Spiritual care, offered to God.

What would my life look like if I took the same spiritual care as I do in worship in getting dressed in the morning, getting the girls dressed, making meals, grocery shopping, bathing the girls, vacuuming, mopping, laundry, washing dishes, changing nappies, buying clothes?

God, I offer all these things to you. These are the things you have called me to at this time, and I have to be able to not only do them for you, but really find you in the midst of them.

Session 2

Exactly how does a person 'work together with God'? You achieve this by dropping your sense of self and your efforts. The single action of the spiritual path is to reduce self to nothingness. However this annihilation of self can never be brought to completion unless God brings it about.

The whole point of Lectio Divina is to get out of one's head and let God speak. It doesn't matter if I agree with this text or not, it's about gleaning what I can from it. What stood out to me was Reduce Self. No the self that is God-given: my talents, personality, dreams. But the self that elevates my needs and wants above others. I love who God made me to be, and I must develop the gifts he's given me, but not to my own end. This made me think of my kids. Most of the stress I have with them is because they are not doing what I've told them on my time table. I don't get stressed with Macy because her self is not yet conflicting with mine. What would my mothering look like if I could work to their timetables? Would I shout less if I could see myself as their servant?

In sharing, Tim pointed out that the exciting thing is that this is at the heart of God. As much as we want to work with God, he wants even more to work with us.

The Weekend

I'm back from a life-changing weekend away. Our good friends Phil and Emma had the girls while Tim and I meditated, prayed, discussed, chanted, and were silent. Using Lectio Divina to meditate on some of Meister Eckhart's pearls, I was humbled and inspired and deeply aware of God and his grace.

Finding my way

I ran for 65 minutes on Saturday. I was running through the fields and got completely lost, ending up far from home and tired. But I kept going since I had no money and no phone, until I made it to Peggie's house and begged for water and a lift for the remaining mile home. Last night I did this route with my running pal Sarah. Not quite as far as Saturday, but considering we did three major hills each followed by major stitches, I'm pretty impressed with us. And totally impressed with this website that tells me how far I've gone. I'm disappointed with my speed but loving my stamina. My knee is killing me today--I think the three kids in three years did a bit of damage to my connective tissue, but I'm flying high.

My beautiful niece

Miss Isabella Faith Sonnenberg

In a week of sadness and grief, a ray of light broke through yesterday. An hour into the memorial for Daniel my beautiful sister Anna gave birth to my niece. Welcome, sweet one. I cannot wait to meet you. Or see a picture of you, for that matter. Blessings on your wonderful head.

Daniel Koubesarian

Most of the time I love living in England, at least lately. But there are times that I think, "What am I doing here?" This is one of those times. My 24-year-old cousin, Daniel, was found dead in his back garden this weekend. I am in a bit of shock and in a lot of pain, and I just want my family. My best memories of Daniel are when he was younger. He was such a sweetheart. He knew everything about everything, really. He gave the best back rubs known to man. He was always available with a hug and a listening ear, and he was a champion karaoke-singer/sushi-eater. Trying to grieve such an immense loss with people who never knew Daniel is nearly impossible. I want other people who loved him to tell me their memories and to remember mine. I want to be able to be honest about who he was and where he was at without worrying about explaining what I mean. And most of all I just want to hug someone else who feels as bad as me. I hate death. I hate it. And man, did I love my cousin. I didn't realize how much until I found out he wasn't going to be around anymore.