Drama Queen

In my head, I am a very cool, calm, and collected mother who, above all else, is IN CONTROL. I didn't realize how much this image means to me until last night, when I completely lost all that could be considered calm and FREAKED OUT.

I was in our bathroom running the girls' bath. Macy was outside screaming because she wanted to come in and couldn't because the floor is stripped of carpet and covered in mildew. (Whoever thought it was a good idea to carpet a room which has the sole purpose of being wet was a little stupid, if you want my honest opinion. But I digress.) Cerys was standing in the doorway blocking Macy's way. The screaming didn't change pitch, but I heard Cerys' little voice saying "I'm sorry, Mommy. I didn't mean to." I looked down to see Macy's mangled pinky finger, which had just escaped from being trapped in the hinge side of a closing bathroom door. I have never seen anything so disgusting. The tip of her pinky finger was mangled. Almost completely flat in two different locations, and bent to one side. I was sure it was going to fall off. I just started screaming. Not yelling, just hysterically screaming. I'm not sure where the cool, calm, collected mother went, or perhaps she is just a fantasy, but a hysterical, irrational, foolish mother stepped in and called the ambulance. An ambulance!! For a finger! I just didn't know what else to do. I had two other crying children on my hands, no husband, no neighbors at home, a car, but no wits about me with which to operate a vehicle. And so I called 999, emergency services, and ordered up an ambulance. I then called my husband and screamed "GET HOME NOW". Then I called my friend Peggie, and did the same thing to her. The paramedic arrived to one screaming baby, two crying children, a chagrined, sobbing mother, and a pinky that had miraculously reformed into a rather normal looking finger, except for a bit of under-surface blood and swelling.

They decided to take us in anyway, for x-rays, and so we strapped her carseat onto the gurney, as she screamed, and Peggie stayed with the girls until Tim arrived. About 10 minutes into the ride, the Children's Nurofen and perhaps some adrenaline kicked in, and Macy happily flirted with the paramedic until we got to the hospital. For the next two hours I sat and paced, and held Macy who couldn't have been happier to have alone-time with her mommy in a fun waiting area filled with germ-infested toys. When the results of the x-ray came back completely clear, I was equally relieved and annoyed, really glad that Macy was okay, but also thinking that I had once again wasted several hours of my life in the emergency room waiting area for nothing.

I pray there won't be a next time, but if there is, I'm going to do my best to remember that fingers trapped in doors bounce back, and if I can survive the initial horror perhaps I can play Dr. Mom at home instead.

Practicing the Presence

Have finally started reading this book. Love it.

I have been praying for the last several months for God to make me aware of his presence in my everyday activities. Pleadingly I have told him that I need him to meet me at the kitchen sink, because that seems to be where I spend most of my time. I don't have the luxury of spending hours in prayer and meditation, nor do I have the energy to go out to prayer meetings and worship events in the evenings, so I need God to meet me while I change nappies, wash dishes, peel potatoes, and read stories. After my last day away at Turvey Abbey I went to church in the evening, having spent the day writing in my journal about this issue. Simon, the lead elder at our church, came and prayed for me. Not knowing the journey I've been on, he said, "Greta, I've sensed this before and haven't said anything, but I sense the anointing of Brother Lawrence on you. The presence of God was with him as he peeled potatoes in the kitchens, and his brothers had to make him go to the prayer closet--he didn't ever want to because he said he met with God just as well, if not better, whilst doing his chores." I laid on the floor and wept for about half an hour. The presence of God was on me in a way I haven't experienced before, and I felt, perhaps for the first time, not only the deep love of God for me, but the deep interest he has in my heart's desires. As I lay there, I knew that God had heard my secret prayers, and was delighted to answer them.

I feel like I've started a new journey that is both exciting and scary. What will it look like to try to consciously open myself up to the will and mind of God every minute of every day? I know there will be successes and failures, joy and pain, blessings and sacrifices. I am hoping others who are on the same journey will come alongside me and share their adventures, encouraging me on to deeper intimacy with Christ, baby-step by baby-step.

The Kelsey Hoppe Fan Club

I've been wanting to write a post about this lady for a while, but hadn't gotten around to it. I won't try now that my blog-guru has raised the bar higher than I could possibly achieve. I will just say, "Amen."

Macy turned one a month ago, and I finally managed to upload her video, so here it is. Sorry for the poor quality--I was too impatient to wait 45 minutes for the hi-res to upload! For those of you who don't know Emma, she's my friend who has two children close in age to Cerys and Macy. They are our surrogate family in Bedford, along with Peggie and Eden, all of whom were with us to celebrate Macy's birthday, and it's Emma who puts Macy's hat on at the beginning of the video. Happy belated birthday, Macy Sue!

Today's heresy

In response to iPete, here we go.


I don't really understand all the physics, or exactly what a TOE is, but here's my thinking on how there will be lots of everybody in heaven, (or whatever reality there is after we die). I've been doing the Lectio Divina fairly often lately, and last night I was doing it with my husband using Ephesians 1:11:

In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will

The phrase that struck me was "works out everything," and what I sensed was God working like crazy to bring everything back into alignment with his will. It seemed to me that we're constantly throwing things out of whack, and he's constantly maneuvering things to get them back in sync, like billions of times a day, and that's just what God does. And it occurred to me that if we could all just work with God, eventually things would stop getting out of whack. Since I'd been pondering the question posed by iPete, that played into my heart's listening, and I felt God remind me that his will is that "none should perish, but all should come to repentance" (2 Pet 3:9) Which made me think that if God's will is that no one should perish and he's always working to get things in line with his will, then why are we so worried about getting people into heaven? He told us to go make disciples, and if we do that, then a lot more people will be working with God, and perhaps the revolution that Jesus started can finally end.

To conclude, I guess my TOE is that Jesus has salvation covered to his liking, and my job is to work with him to make disciples. At the moment I've got three I'm working on, actually, me makes four, and my husband makes five.

The best news ever!

Our holiday was a bit of a misadventure, so the drive home was a bit tearful until we saw this. And another highlight, which was slightly dampened five minutes later by the news that our tent had just collapsed beyond repair, was this.

Yay Stavs! Yay Lueckes!

Let the little children

I was at Costco the other day, doing my crazy mother-of-three thing of pushing a shopping trolley loaded with heavy groceries and two small children whilst carrying a third even smaller child in my left arm, when I got to the car and realised that I had lost my car key. Willing myself not to either a) throw myself on the floor in a tantrum; or b) leave the children and trolley in the car park and run into Costco to beg someone to find my keys, I lugged said children and trolley back into the warehouse to inquire if anyone had turned in my key. The very helpful lady at the information desk said that no such key had been turned in and perhaps I should take my one arm and my children and my heavy trolley and retrace my steps through the store. I followed that very helpful advice, looking first in the cafe, and second in the bathroom, and finally retracing my steps through the entire store. When no key surfaced I suggested to Cerys that perhaps she could ask God to find my key, since he didn't seem to be listening to me. She quickly said aloud, "God, please would you find Mommy's key?" and then to me, "Mom, did you hear him say yes?" Close to tears, I said, "No, honey, I didn't hear him. Did you?" She replied, "No, we better ask him again. God, would you please find Mommy's key?" Awestruck by her innocence, and flabbergasted by her determination, I walked back over to the information desk who had a different helpful lady behind it, and said, "Has anyone turned in my car key?" After describing it in detail, she said, "Yes, I've seen it. Let me go get it. It was in the bathroom." Praise the Lord.

As an aside, if there are any Milton Keynes Costco employees happening upon this post, may I suggest that when a tired mother loses her key, it would be helpful to search the store for her, or at least offer to watch her trolley while she searches, or better-yet, just give her the key since her search will be fruitless as the key is actually locked up in your office. Thank you.

Facebook?

So, I finally joined the Facebook Revolution and am totally overwhelmed. I just wanted to see pictures of this fabulous 80's party I went to on Saturday night, but I can't see them because Wendy hasn't confirmed me as her friend yet, and I've got all these other friends who want to be my friend, but when do I have time to be writing on people's walls and completing my personal profile and looking at other people's walls? And is that all it is, just looking at walls, or is there much more that I'm missing? One more thing to stress over not doing well. Great.

A Child's Heart

Cerys has been asking a lot of questions about God lately. She wonders how he can be everywhere if we can't see or hear him. When we were in California she wasn't allowed out in my aunt Lynn's garden without supervision because of the swimming pool, and one afternoon she asked if I'd go out there with her. I was feeding Macy and said that she would have to wait until I was done. She looked at me and cunningly asked if God was everywhere. Unaware of the trap being laid, and rather proud of her curiosity, I replied that yes, God is everywhere.

"Is he in the back garden?"

Still clueless, I replied, "Yes."

"Well then God can watch me, can't he?"

Taken aback at her utter genius, I tried to back-paddle and not crush a child's very real faith. In the end I just said that God had put me in charge and that though he was in the back garden he wanted me to be out there too.

This week one of her friend's moms was telling me that 4-year-old Jasper had "invited Jesus into his heart" this week. Having never broached that subject with Cerys before, I wondered how she would reply to such an idea. More out of curiosity than an actual desire for Cerys to "become a Christian" I ever-so-carefully began to explain that Jasper had asked Jesus to live in his heart and that meant that Jesus and God would always be with him and help him to make good choices and love other people.

"What do you think of that Cerys? Would you like Jesus to live in your heart?"

With a look of confusion and perhaps even annoyance she clutched her chest and said, "No, that would be very uncomfortable."

Good point, well made.

Happy Anniversary

Four years ago today I landed in England to stay.

Recap

I have been so encouraged because I have found a way to commune with God that resonates with me in a way nothing else has. To sit in His presence without getting my logic involved, but to just relax and listen to his voice and let it sink in without having to grapple and try to 'get it' but rather to let it get me. I feel encouraged that God is doing my dishes because I am doing my dishes. I feel encouraged that I now know deep in my soul what I have known in my head from day one, that a mom who feels like her brain is on hold can still do the work of God.

And as a side, it was wonderfully satisfying to know that even in silence, my husband is still the funniest guy I know. And one of the wisest, too.

Session 6

Let God's gifts wean you away from selfishness and help you to let go of concern over what is yours by right. Desire nothing for yourself--nothing--neither pleasure, spirituality, nor the Kingdom of God, nor that you will be satisfied.

God's gifts wean.

I had the distinct impression that God rejoices each time I make a tiny step towards selflessness, just like parents clap hands at a baby's first mouthful of cereal. Just as a mother chooses and directs a baby's first meals, so God is weaning me from a life of selfishness. It is not my job to go home and stop being selfish but to allow God to wean me from selfishness. This is a task I can do, whereas to just stop being selfish is formidable. It was so encouraging to feel God's pleasure at my desire to take the first steps.

Session 5

Meister Eckhart is chopping logs. 'I could do that for you' offers God. 'You already are' says Meister Eckhart.

You already are.

Don't neglect the natural. In my background I have been taught to go after the supernatural, and my response to God's offer would have been, "yeah, great, thanks" as I expected to watch the logs magically split and neatly pile. But it occurred to me that I would be as well off praying that someone would find the cure for cancer or that we would be enlightened as to how to avoid cancer all together, as I would be praying for God to heal. Not to leave God out of the equation, but to recognize that all good things come from God, whether supernaturally or by the work of our hands. God has given us these bodies to use, not to overcome.

As Sister Lucy put it, God asked "Who is chopping logs?" And the response is I AM.

God, put it deep in me that all my actions are for You and by You because You are in me.

Session 4

We shall also find God in our most menial tasks. Indeed, when we perform a menial task with the same spiritual care as we perform our worship, then God will shine in us equally in both. All normal work in the world can be offered to God in the same way that we offer prayers.

Spiritual care, offered to God.

What would my life look like if I took the same spiritual care as I do in worship in getting dressed in the morning, getting the girls dressed, making meals, grocery shopping, bathing the girls, vacuuming, mopping, laundry, washing dishes, changing nappies, buying clothes?

God, I offer all these things to you. These are the things you have called me to at this time, and I have to be able to not only do them for you, but really find you in the midst of them.

Session 2

Exactly how does a person 'work together with God'? You achieve this by dropping your sense of self and your efforts. The single action of the spiritual path is to reduce self to nothingness. However this annihilation of self can never be brought to completion unless God brings it about.

The whole point of Lectio Divina is to get out of one's head and let God speak. It doesn't matter if I agree with this text or not, it's about gleaning what I can from it. What stood out to me was Reduce Self. No the self that is God-given: my talents, personality, dreams. But the self that elevates my needs and wants above others. I love who God made me to be, and I must develop the gifts he's given me, but not to my own end. This made me think of my kids. Most of the stress I have with them is because they are not doing what I've told them on my time table. I don't get stressed with Macy because her self is not yet conflicting with mine. What would my mothering look like if I could work to their timetables? Would I shout less if I could see myself as their servant?

In sharing, Tim pointed out that the exciting thing is that this is at the heart of God. As much as we want to work with God, he wants even more to work with us.

The Weekend

I'm back from a life-changing weekend away. Our good friends Phil and Emma had the girls while Tim and I meditated, prayed, discussed, chanted, and were silent. Using Lectio Divina to meditate on some of Meister Eckhart's pearls, I was humbled and inspired and deeply aware of God and his grace.

Finding my way

I ran for 65 minutes on Saturday. I was running through the fields and got completely lost, ending up far from home and tired. But I kept going since I had no money and no phone, until I made it to Peggie's house and begged for water and a lift for the remaining mile home. Last night I did this route with my running pal Sarah. Not quite as far as Saturday, but considering we did three major hills each followed by major stitches, I'm pretty impressed with us. And totally impressed with this website that tells me how far I've gone. I'm disappointed with my speed but loving my stamina. My knee is killing me today--I think the three kids in three years did a bit of damage to my connective tissue, but I'm flying high.

My beautiful niece

Miss Isabella Faith Sonnenberg

In a week of sadness and grief, a ray of light broke through yesterday. An hour into the memorial for Daniel my beautiful sister Anna gave birth to my niece. Welcome, sweet one. I cannot wait to meet you. Or see a picture of you, for that matter. Blessings on your wonderful head.

Daniel Koubesarian

Most of the time I love living in England, at least lately. But there are times that I think, "What am I doing here?" This is one of those times. My 24-year-old cousin, Daniel, was found dead in his back garden this weekend. I am in a bit of shock and in a lot of pain, and I just want my family. My best memories of Daniel are when he was younger. He was such a sweetheart. He knew everything about everything, really. He gave the best back rubs known to man. He was always available with a hug and a listening ear, and he was a champion karaoke-singer/sushi-eater. Trying to grieve such an immense loss with people who never knew Daniel is nearly impossible. I want other people who loved him to tell me their memories and to remember mine. I want to be able to be honest about who he was and where he was at without worrying about explaining what I mean. And most of all I just want to hug someone else who feels as bad as me. I hate death. I hate it. And man, did I love my cousin. I didn't realize how much until I found out he wasn't going to be around anymore.