I thought I got it. I thought I'd managed to survive a personal tragedy without shaking my fist at God. I smugly thought I was okay, reconciled, far from bitter. Until a mini-crisis arose, and all the niggling fears and lies came wriggling to the surface like so many maggots feasting on rotting food.
What I realised this week as I listened to this preach and tried to pray for my baby girl who is about to go through quite a simple operation is this: My paradigm shift that came as I tried to reconcile a God who is good who also allows babies to die became a new world where God is far away. He is good, but only concerned with the bigger picture of preparing a Church fit to be his (metaphorical) Bride. He's not interested in the little things like babies' surgeries and mothers' worries, and so as I tried to pray, tried to release her into His grip, the thought that wouldn't go away was, "This is pointless. He just doesn't care."
My new God is good. He is loving and kind, but these little details are too small for him. He has bigger fish to fry, and afterall, what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. And if it does kill us, there's always eternity.
I'm not really sure how to come back to reality. Or is it possible that this is reality? I can't believe that this new God is an accurate portrayal of the God described by so many as a friend, a comfort, a refuge, a shepherd who looks for his one lost sheep. And yet deep in the recesses of my heart, and bubbling out onto the surface, I am cold and scared and feeling I must be too insignificant to grasp the attention of the Almighty when I ask him to take care of my baby girl.
God, forgive me for my smugness. Forgive me for trying to gloss over, rather than walk through, pain. Keep teaching me who you are, and never let me think I've got you figured out. You're too big for that. But as Nichole eloquently prays, Great God, be small enough to hear me now.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
thinking of you.
stacy
Amen, Amen.
How are you all after surgery?
Thanks for your honesty in this post!
Beautiful Greta,
From my desktop across the ocean I found your blog while simply searching the term, 'Changing the world one diaper at a time". I'm on a quest to start a new ecommerce business for real, everyday moms who want to do the right thing for our world but either can't afford to or are overwhelmed by choices. A website where a mom can rest assured that whatever she purchases from our site is helping make a difference, 'one diaper at a time'.
The last thing in the world I expected to find was a soulsister. I'm a full time, stay at home mother of two in the beautiful (if not currently dreary) Pacific Northwest. Your words of faith mirror my own - I swear I've had those exact same conversations with my girlfriends over tea this past week. I laugh at the similarities of our worlds - except my daughters cake was Cinderella's coach instead of barbie!!!
I just want to send my koodos to you for laying it out there - who would have ever thought that my heart could have been touched while on a trademark search!!!
So as you battle the unending anxieties of motherhood - know that you have a kindred spirit in some obscure corner of the United States who is praying for you and your little ones.
All my best,
Stashka
PS - I would love to share hopes and dreams with you if you're looking for an overseas epal. Feel free to take a peek at my families space stashka.spaces.live.com.
Post a Comment