Choosing sides

A birth
A death
An operation
A departure

All happened across a massive expanse
That I cannot cross today
Or tomorrow or the next
Because money and time prohibit the journey

A relatively short voyage
Will allow me to briefly partake
In the lives I'm missing on that side
But the life on this side will beckon me home

Here I laugh and love and enjoy
Grieve and commune and live
And also pine for what I can for now
Only partake of in my imagination

Across the ocean
That is deceptively vast
Lies a world I long for
But here is bounty beyond measure

Forever torn
But still choosing here
Conscious that the other world
Holds the same fate

Battle of the Bulge

I've had an ongoing battle with my weight since I hit puberty. I just love food. And wine. And I have this terrible habit of celebrating with food when I hit my weight-loss goals. Also of comforting myself with food. I knew I was a comfort eater the day my boxes arrived in England from America. The movers stacked all the boxes into the smallest room of our house, and you couldn't even walk in. The room was full floor to ceiling with boxes, a veritable mountain of boxes. Our freezer was in our back garden in a spider-infested, dimly-lit shed. I took a spoon outside, took out the Ben & Jerry's and stood there devouring the Caramel Chew Chew right from the tub until I felt strong enough to face the mountain.

I've realized this summer that not only am I sabotaging my dreams of the perfect body when I behave this way, I'm sabotaging my intimacy with God. Physical fitness and spiritual fitness cannot be separated, at least not in my world. When I choose food to give me comfort instead of letting the Comforter do his job, I become a bit fatter and a bit more deaf to God's voice, which has definitely happened this summer as I've lost all routine and all discipline!

But I took up arms again today. I went for a run, skipped my evening glass of wine, and am going to bed with my Bible instead of the trashy novel I finished last night. Let the battle begin. Again.

Hearing God

I've been practicing listening to God lately, or at least trying to, and I am amazed at the subtlety and flow of his voice. Of particular note is when he told me Stacy was going to get pregnant last November when I was in DC. My friend Laurie was talking about her miracle baby, and I looked over at Stacy and just knew she was next. It wasn't a prophetic word as we might be used to. I had no intention of sharing it with anyone, and I don't really know why I got it, but when I got an e-mail a month later from Stacy asking me to ring her, I was pretty sure I knew what she was going to say. I've spent the last nine months praying for this little miracle, and yesterday I had the strangest feeling that I was missing the birth, but then I remembered she wasn't actually scheduled for her c-section for five more days, so I relaxed. But my husband came rushing into our room this morning to say baby Stav had arrived. Strange. I don't know what it's for, and maybe it is all a big coincidence and my hopes just happening to come true, but what it makes me feel is that God knows how much I miss my friends, and he's connecting me to them and reminding me that though the world is vast, he's holding us together.

Writers block

I've got it bad.

I think part of the problem is that I've been a bit sad this year. I've been struggling with some friendships and some family stuff and some church stuff and have generally felt quite misunderstood, and I can't just put that out into cyberspace for any old person to read and feel slated. And since I don't do surface, I've been a bit stuck. But I stupidly challenged my friend to each write something "good" before his baby's due in five short days, and since he has smacked down, watch this space. I'm not one to bow out of a challenge.

Life with God

I have just finished the incredible Life with God by Richard Foster. In it, Dr. Foster explains the life-transforming power of the Immanuel Principle, or the with-God life, as proclaimed in the Bible. He encourages the reader to delve into the story of God with the heart, with the mind, and in the context of the greater community of believers. The book is filled with practical instruction and application for reading the Bible, listening to God, lectio divina, and spiritual disciplines, all the while maintaining that Christianity cannot be about a list of rules and boxes to tick, but about the Divine-human relationship, which is different for each individual. His passion for God and God's written word, as well as for His church, is screaming from the pages, and it is contagious. Well worth a read. Here's a sample of its brilliance:

The with-God kind of life that we see in the Bible is the very life to which we are called. It is, in fact, exactly the life Jesus is referring to when he declares, "I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly" (John 10:10, KJV). It is a life of unhurried peace and power. It is solid. It is serene. It is simple. It is radiant. It takes no time, though it permeates all of our time.

But such a life does not simply fall into our hands. Frankly, it is no more automatic for us than it was for those luminaries who walk across the pages of our Bible. There is a God-ordained means to becoming the kind of persons and the kind of communities that can fully and joyfully enter into such abundant living. And the "means" involve us in a process of intentionally "training...in godliness" (1 Tim. 4:7). This is the purpose of the Disciplines of the spiritual life. Indeed, Scripture itself is the primary means for the discovery, instruction, and practice of the Spiritual Disciplines, which bring us all the more fully into the with God life.

The women's intimacy group that I am a part of is going through the book and the following questions.

Chapter 1: Seeing the Bible Afresh

1. “A Spiritual Discipline is an intentionally directed action by which we do what we can do in order to receive from God the ability (or power) to do what we cannot do by direct effort.” What things would you like to do that you do not have the power to do? What spiritual discipline (see list on page 14) would best allow you to receive that power from God.
2. Discuss the statement “The opposite of grace is works, but not effort.”
3. Choose a Bible story to read and relate to as described in the final section “Go and Do Likewise”.

Chapter 2: Entering the World of the Bible

1. In the first chapter, Dr. Foster writes that grace is not the opposite of effort. In this chapter he highlights that following Jesus is not about checking off a “to-do” list but about the condition of our hearts. Do you tend to err on the side of grace or the side of legalism?
2. Dr. Foster says that the Bible is a story and a messy one at that. Do you agree?
3. Many of us carry baggage when it comes to reading the Bible. We find it dull, or hard work, or something we do out of guilt, or we have lots of Bible knowledge but don’t feel like it changes the way we live. What are your personal hang-ups when it comes to the Bible?
4. Choose a passage and practice reading the Bible expectantly, attentively, and humbly. Do you find this changes how you interact with the Bible?

Chapter 3: Experiencing the With-God Life

1. Meditate on the scriptures listed on pgs 38-39. Which is your favourite/speaks most to your situation/gives you the most hope?
2. Have you ever or do you now feel that God is far off? What can you do to combat those feelings? Do you struggle with the urge to reject God?
3. Choose one of the stories listed on 45-47, or choose one not listed if you’d rather, and ask God to speak to you. What does he have to say to you?
4. Meditate on the “I Am” statements on 50-51. What do they tell you about your relationship with Jesus?
5. Discuss the statement “We know that our character is shaped by what we immerse ourselves in” along with Colossians 3:1-4.

Chapter 4: Reading with the Heart

1. Discuss the statement by William Law regarding intention.
2. On pages 59-61 Dr. Foster lists some dangerous notions of Bible-reading that can keep us from really engaging with God. Do you relate to any of these?
3. Do you find that you talk about experiencing God more often than you actually experience God?
4. Practice lectio divina this week. How do you find it? What do you enjoy? What do you find difficult?

Chapter 5: Reading with the Mind

1. Do you tend to meet with God when you read the Bible?
2. Do you feel confident that the Holy Spirit helps you to interpret Scripture? Why or why not?
3. Choose one of the genres of Scripture to focus on this week. What question does Dr. Foster suggest you ask? What did you hear God say?
4. “Each one of us adds to [God’s story] with the little life we bring into its great life, as drops of rainwater add to a rushing stream.” How does that make you feel about your life?

Chapter 6: Reading with the People of God

1. Hebrews 10:24-25. Do you have people who encourage you and provoke you to love and good deeds? If not, why do you think that is? If so, do you feel like you reciprocate?
2. Do you identify with our community or do you have an “us” and “them” mentality?
3. Of the six streams, which do you identify with most? Which would you like to experience more?

Chapter 7: The Disciplines of Relationship

1. Discipline is the ability to do the right thing at the right time for the right reason. In what area of your life do you most require discipline?
2. Commit to memory the verses listed at the bottom of page 137. Exodus 15:2, Isaiah 30:18, 1 Peter 5:7
3. We are always being formed by something. Take time to ask God what is forming you. Do you feel him prompting you to any action?
4. Consider the disciplines of abstinence and engagement. As God to show you a discipline to practice this week.

Chapter 8: The Way of Freedom

1. Take some time to imagine with God what you life would look like if you engaged with invitation of “will you be with Me?” in every aspect of your life.
2. ‘Jesus has promised to be our ever-present teacher and guide.’ Practice ‘holy expectancy’ this week by asking God to speak to you and writing down what he says.
3. What are the five ‘guardrails’ of indirection. Are there any you struggle with? Any you find particularly encouraging?

Chapter 9: Living by Grace

1. Discuss Foster’s opening statement, “Christians need grace far more than ‘sinners.’” Do you agree with Bonhoefer’s definitions of cheap grace and true, costly grace? Does this change your view of living by grace?
2. Ask God to interrupt your daily life this week and pay attention to what he is doing. Meditate on one of the scriptures on page 188. What is God saying to you about grace?
3. ‘Faith is the willingness to trust that God is at work. Faith gives rise to hope, which is the refusal to accept the world at face value. Love involves clearheaded action toward God and other, rooted in Jesus’ sacrificial action on our behalf. Grace is relational and active.’ Meditate on these statements. How do they effect you? What is God saying to you?
4. In order to enter this zoë life, what do you feel called to yes to? What might you need to say no to?