Where have I been?

I am not sure. Between Cerys starting school, my sister coming to stay, and still not having a computer, I have not posted in two months. Ridiculous. Here are a few photos and a slightly exaggerated but very entertaining little excerpt from Katy's most recent letter home.

The nieces are even more adorable, precocious and energetic than I remembered, and I am grateful to them for keeping me smiling, frantic and fit!

Cerys has started school, and rides her bike there each day...I don't think you can know what 'precious' is until you've witnessed a 4 year old situated about 3 inches from the ground on her pink, streamer-adorned bicycle, shouting "Look at how fast I'm going!!!!!!!" and pedaling like the dickens to keep up with mommy, who's struggling to maintain a 2 MPH speed on her own adult bicycle as she tries to avoid leaving her daughter in the dust. Cerys has developed quite a sense of humor in her young age as well, and it's not rare for Greta to have to turn around in the car and inform her that it's time to stop talking about 'bottoms and smelly face sausage roll heads.'

We celebrated Addien's 3rd birthday a few Saturdays ago (and again the following Sunday...and I think she brought treats in to preschool to celebrate her birthday that Monday as well) with a strawberry cake and pink balloons and a pink tea set and a pink dress and a pink necklace, bracelet and ring set...um, Auntie Anna anyone? Addien loooooooves being a girlie-girl, and changes into a new pretty dress approximately every 2.8 minutes. She's also quite accomplished at coloring, bouncing on the trampoline and watching Enchanted.

Macy the Mischievous is loads of fun, toddling all over the house and carrying on a methodical routine of removing all of the tupperware, piece by piece, from her favorite cupboard after breakfast, lunch and dinner. She's quite an accomplished singer at 18 months as well; her rendition of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star (complete with accompanying actions) will change your life. I think my favorite Macyism, though, is her pouty face, which she has transformed into an art...There's the "I stuck!" pout, the "If Addien or Cerys tries to pick me up one more time...!" pout, the "How dare you have a snack without offering me half" pout, and my personal favorite, the "I know I'm not supposed to be doing this, but you just try and stop me" half grin/half pout pout.

First Days at School

Cerys started kindergarten (or reception, as it's called in the UK) on Monday, and Addien started preschool. In an effort to save our planet from carbon emissions, as well as our pocketbooks from the rising cost of fuel, we are riding bikes to school. I came home for the morning with just Macy and didn't know what to do with myself. I just walked through the house a few times, wondering at the quiet, and then turned the radio on for the first time in four years only to discover that I do not like Christian radio. But I digress. Cerys is loving her mornings at school. Addien enjoyed her first morning at pre-school and will do her second today. And Macy savoured being in the house with just her mommy with no big sisters to steal her toys, push her over, or tell her what to do. I got a little bit teary when I saw Cerys in her uniform for the first time, and last night I had a little bit of a panic that this is it, I now have a child in school and I don't get a do-over with her first four years, but that quickly passed, and I think I will really enjoy this next phase of life.

Ephesians revisited

I realise in retrospect (isn't that always the way with me?) that my post about Ephesians may have come across a bit like me sticking out my chest to say "Wow! Look at me!" May I humbly apologise and assure you that is not the case. Rather, I am quite likely to fail. And so, just like when I run, I thought if someone could run alongside me to spur me on, I might go a little further than I would on my own. To answer the question of how I'm going about it: I have the first 14 verses above my sink and I say them outloud when I am doing dishes and then I say them again and again any time I think of it. I've got 10 verses down and am almost there with the next two. So yes, one bite (or verse or diaper) at a time.

'Tis a gift to be simple

My husband may not be able to do this, but he can definitely think outside the box. When our kitchen tap broke last weekend, I went to the local DIY store and picked up a handle conversion kit and a new tap just in case the kit didn't work. But as I stressed about teaching myself a bit of plumbing he got out the superglue and fixed it right up, saving us a fantastic £75.00. Well done, babe!

Come on!

Not as in, "You're kidding!", but as in, "Let's see some more!"

Check out Simon's blog. Since I know him personally, and I trust him implicitly, and I know how tough the teenagers in Bedford town centre are, I find this incredibly exciting!!!!!

Anyone game?

In my pursuit of God's peace, I've decided to memorize Ephesians by the end of the year. I've conquered the first 8 verses. Anyone care to pace me?

Cerys takes off

Cerys learned to ride her bike this week. My baby is growing up!

An attempt at writing

John 14:27—Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.

Jesus gave his disciples this promise as he was preparing them for his departure. It is a promise that carries on to us and is meant for all of us. No matter what our circumstances, whether we are in war-torn Sudan struggling to survive or in a middle-class suburb working a 9-5 job; divorced, married or single; rich or poor; male or female, Jesus promised us peace. Peace that in Philippians 4:7 is called the “peace of God, which transcends all understanding [and will] guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

As a full-time mom of three young children, I wouldn’t say that peace is one of the first adjectives that spring to mind when describing my life or me. Frantic, rushed, worried, stretched, busy, tired--those all fit the bill quite well, but I don’t know that peace reigns in my house very often. However, God has been teaching me over the last few months that peace is not only possible, but quite easily accessible, even for those of us who feel stretched to our capacity.

About four months ago I had an experience that really highlighted my longing for this peace. It was a rainy day, and I had decided to spend the morning tidying up the girls’ bedrooms. After an hour of sorting clothes, picking up toys, refereeing arguments, and trying to keep the 9-month old baby from eating anything sharp or toxic I looked around to find that the room was actually in a worse state than when I had started. I called my husband in tears, and he kindly suggested that I pack up the girls and get out of the house for the day. And so we ended up in Hobbycraft, one of my favourite places because it reminds me of America, and you can buy lots of fun things for the kids to do without breaking the bank. As we strolled through the store the kids found it difficult to keep their hands off all the gorgeous fabrics, beads, paints, paintbrushes and stickers, and we loaded the basket with lots of fun craft supplies. As we were nearing the back of the store I heard my name called out over the loud speaker. A little worried, I rushed to the front of the store with my baby on my hip and two toddlers in tow to find that they had found my purse, which I hadn’t yet realized I’d lost. As I approached the desk the lady behind the counter commented, “Now here’s a frazzled mother.”

Hurt by her insensitivity, I fought back tears and told her off in a hundred different ways in my head. “You don’t know what my life is like. I’m doing the best I can. My kids are really well behaved considering how young they are. What’s wrong with you?” Appearing unshaken on the outside I smiled and signed for my purse and went off to pay for my goods, and on the car ride home and for the rest of the day, I fumed at this woman who had insulted my image as a cool, calm, collected mother. In reality, I hadn’t been feeling particularly frazzled at that moment, and I have a long-standing habit of losing my purse which dates back to well before I had children, but her comment had seared me like a hot poker and had me reeling for the rest of that day and the next.

On reflection I realized that the hurt was because I want to be a calm mother, but in reality I often feel frazzled, and out-of-control, and because of that I often feel like a failure. As I have prayed about this situation, and through various divine or chance encounters, I have come to see that though life is busy and can feel overwhelming, Jesus has promised us peace, and if we can access it and live with it at the core of our beings, we can live a much richer, fuller life that becomes progressively less frantic and more enjoyable. And while this will be great for us as individuals, the really exciting thing is that it will be noticeable to the people around us who expect to see frazzled mothers, impatient commuters, high-strung executives, etc., but who, instead, find people who are enjoying their lives and thriving.

I am not talking about becoming a robot who is unaffected by difficult circumstances. Rather, I am talking about someone who can live in the reality of modern life with honesty about the toughness but with a tangible peace that only comes from our Father God. Think about the ocean on a day of rough surf. The appearance is of crashing waves, which will knock inexperienced swimmers and surfers off their feet and send them tumbling, bruised and even broken, to shore. But the experienced surfer knows how to either catch the wave at its break and ride it smoothly to shore, or if he misses it, to dive under the crashing wave to where the water is peaceful and calm, and where he can wait a moment until the tumult passes. Such is a life with Jesus. If we let him, he can bring us safely to shore or sit with us until the storm passes. The alternative is to try to do it on our own and let life beat us down.

One of my biggest concerns as I have been on this journey is that I don’t have enough time. I don’t have time to sit with Jesus; there is just too much to do! And when I have talked to my friends about this topic they have often had the same concern. We have meals to prepare, dishes to do, nappies to change, the school run, swimming lessons, ballet lessons, ad nauseam. My husband has client meetings, e-mails, phone calls, deadlines. But consider Martin Luther who said, “I have so much business I cannot get on without spending three hours daily in prayer.” What was he talking about? I believe he had come to understand that our supernatural God offers supernatural assistance when we take the time to honour him, seek him, and invite him into our day.

God demonstrated that fact for me a few weeks ago. Tim, my husband, came home from work on Friday, and as we sat down to chat after the kids were in bed, I asked if he’d noticed how tidy the house was. He bit his lip and said, “It’s not just tidy, it’s incredibly peaceful.” That week I had made the decision to spend the first 20 minutes of my afternoon when the kids are in bed or at school meditating on scripture. Before I touched the laundry or the dishes, I sat down and read a verse of scripture and meditated on it until I felt satisfied that I had communed with God. And somehow my house was tidier at the end of the week than it had been in eons. That is not to say that by spending time with God we can guarantee our house will be tidier, our work will be easier, and we’ll be rich and healthy. But it is to testify that God is faithful to give back to us more than what we give to him and that he longs to come into our lives and help us where we will let him. This is not about striving to “do better” or be a better Christian, or to make God happy. It is about coming into our inheritance of the abundant life that Christ has promised us, and into the peace which he said he has given us.

One of the biggest helps I have found since this journey started is the book Practicing His Presence, a compilation of letters from Brother Lawrence and Frank Laubach. These men practiced fixing their thoughts on Jesus throughout their days and found that they were able to meet with Jesus just as well in the kitchen as in the prayer room. I have been practicing this for the last six weeks or so and have found it to be a challenging and exciting exercise. The following are some of the things I’ve tried and have found helpful. Remember, these are not things to strive for in order to earn any favour with God. They are just ways to open yourself up to God’s presence, which will aid you and make your life better! Don’t beat yourself up if you can’t or don’t want to do them. Striving is fruitless. Just listen and wait for your desire for God to come bubbling up and then try again.

1. Take time to sit with Jesus.
I have found that I can meet with God much better throughout the day while going about my daily tasks if I take a designated amount of time to spend with God. This can be reading the Bible, praying, meditating, painting, journaling, etc.--anything that equates to a face-to-face between you and God.

2. Pray.
“And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.” Eph. 6:18
“Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thess. 5:16-18
Had you asked me a year ago, I would have told you that Paul was exaggerating when he said we should pray continually and on all occasions. Surely that’s not possible! But I have come to understand that as we train our minds to focus on Jesus, it becomes habit to pray and to invite Jesus into every circumstance. When I see a pretty flower I thank God for designing it. When my kids hurt themselves, I pray for healing. When I don’t know what to say, I pray for wisdom. I am nowhere near the point of being able to say that I pray continually. I couldn’t even say I pray once an hour. But I can say that I pray more today than I did last month, and that I will pray more next month than I did today because I am practicing turning to God in every circumstance.
When my mind is wandering, I try to pray in tongues, which is an exercise for the soul. This is particularly helpful when I find myself singing nursery rhymes when the kids aren’t even around, or when we’re driving in the car and listening to the Tweenies theme tune for the tenth time. Praying in tongues directs our hearts to God without us having to engage our intellect.

3. Lectio Divina and other meditations
Lectio Divina is a meditation technique which translates to “divine reading.” It is a way to study, ponder, listen and pray from God’s words. More information can be found on http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lectio_Divina. Set aside a time to meditate on scripture in this way or in another way that suits you. Painting, chanting, walking, playing an instrument--all with the mindset of contemplating a specific scripture--can open you up to understanding and hearing from God through his written word.

4. Memorize scripture
The word of God is a sword for battle (Eph. 6:17), and faith comes from hearing the word (Rom 10:17). Memorizing scripture will build your faith and enable you to declare it to others. I keep a passage of scripture hanging next to my sink so that I can read it and say it out loud while I do my dishes and have found it a very effective and easy way to memorize large chunks of scripture.

5. Sing to God
When you find yourself humming a tune, try singing a hymn or praise song instead. Or you could make up your own song to God. One of my friends has worship music playing in the background whenever I’m at her house, and I think it sets such a great mood in her home. That’s not to say that we can never listen to anything other than “Christian” music, but feeding our minds and souls with music that directs us to God opens us up to God.

6. Practice being present in each moment
When I was on a retreat at Turvey Abbey earlier this year we did a walking meditation where we practiced being aware of our surroundings: the birds singing, the feel of grass and rocks under our feet, the wind blowing, the sun shining, etc. During this time I realized that I spend a great deal of my day not in the present, but dwelling on the past or future—what I have to do that day, what I would have liked to say to the rude person at the supermarket, where I want to go on holiday, etc. In an age where multi-tasking is a sign of greatness, it is difficult to purposely stop and be engaged in a sole task or conversation. But, being present in the moment keeps us from stressing, from going over and over a confrontation in our minds, from worrying about the test results we’re waiting for; it helps us to engage more fully with those around us; and it opens us up to hearing from God by kicking out all the clutter that clouds our thoughts. It also opens us up to joy. My husband was with my kids at a public toilet, and he was amazed when they started jumping up and down, laughing, when the hand dryer came on. They stood under the warm air, squealing with delight over this simple piece of technology. We were both challenged to appreciate the simple gifts that God gives us in nature and in our interactions by practicing being present both in the mundane and the extraordinary.

7. Turn your mind to Jesus
Practice being aware of your thoughts, and when you realize your consciousness has wandered to something unimportant, gently bring it back to Jesus. In doing so, you will become more aware of God and will be more able to hear him and will naturally become more like him.

8. Take care of yourself
I don’t know about you, but one of my biggest weaknesses is food. I love food. I love chocolate, crisps, toast laden with butter, caffe mochas, cakes. Heaven. But one of the greatest things we can do to step into an abundant life is to take care of ourselves. Eat well and get your rest. If I were reading this and not writing it, my first thought would probably be something like, “Oh great, just one more thing to do—diet.” It’s not like that. If that’s your thought, then lay this one down until God talks to you about it. But if you hear God whispering to you when you grab a chocolate bar, “Don’t eat that—it will just make you sleepy,” or when you feel disappointed that you’re too tired in the middle of the afternoon to sit with God, then maybe it’s time to re-think what we’re putting into our bodies. These bodies were the highlight of creation, and it’s our job to care for them. Try an experiment: lay off sugar, alcohol, and processed foods for two weeks, and make sure you’re getting at least five fruits and vegetables a day during that time. You will be surprised at the end at how much more energy you have. Grab a friend and ask him/her to do it with you to help keep you motivated.

Please remember that all of these suggestions are just suggestions. There is no 12-step program for becoming more Christ-like. And I cannot stress enough that striving is futile. The deep mystery of our faith is the balance of grace and works, and only a prayerful relationship with God and other believers will keep you in the right balance. I have found such a wonderful release over the past few months as I’ve come to understand that my job is merely to position myself. I do not need to work at becoming perfect; I simply need to allow God to make me so. But these disciplines can get us in the right position to allow God to get to work.

My weekend at Turvey Abbey brought many insights, and one of the biggest was a picture I got of a mother weaning her young baby. As she gave him the first spoonful of real food, the whole family crowded around to watch, and they broke into applause as he sucked down his first bite. So it is with God as he weans us away from the things that entangle us. He shows us the things we’re going to work on next, and then slowly, tenderly, lovingly, he weans us, applauding every small effort and taking us onto the next step.

As we grow in practicing these disciplines, God will begin to shine through us more brightly. We will become a generation who are thriving, regardless of our personal circumstances. God will give us wisdom and patience for our kids, deeper love and respect for our husbands, wives, and friends, concern for our neighbors, and most of all, peace--an abiding sense of peace, knowing that God is with us, and that we are with him. The world will see it, and they will want it. And that is exciting! If you think so, too, grab a friend, or me, and let’s work on this together. Let’s go for it, casting down everything that hinders us and taking on what God is speaking to us about, aligning ourselves with him and his plan to bring peace to the world he created and loves.

Quotes that get me through

Do not let your soul be your counsellor. Regardless of your experience, God is good.
-Bill Johnson

His grief he will not forget; but it will not darken his heart, it will teach him wisdom.
-Aragorn, Lord of the Rings, The Return of the King

We shall also find God in our most menial tasks. Indeed, when we perform a menial task with the same spiritual care as we perform our worship, then God will shine in us equally in both...all normal work in the world can be offered to God in the same way that we offer prayers.

-Meister Eckhart

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee.
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided
Great is Thy Faithfulness, Lord unto me.

Summer and winter and spring-time and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided
Great is Thy Faithfulness, Lord unto me.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide,
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided
Great is Thy Faithfulness, Lord unto me.

-Thomas. O. Chisholm

Drama Queen

In my head, I am a very cool, calm, and collected mother who, above all else, is IN CONTROL. I didn't realize how much this image means to me until last night, when I completely lost all that could be considered calm and FREAKED OUT.

I was in our bathroom running the girls' bath. Macy was outside screaming because she wanted to come in and couldn't because the floor is stripped of carpet and covered in mildew. (Whoever thought it was a good idea to carpet a room which has the sole purpose of being wet was a little stupid, if you want my honest opinion. But I digress.) Cerys was standing in the doorway blocking Macy's way. The screaming didn't change pitch, but I heard Cerys' little voice saying "I'm sorry, Mommy. I didn't mean to." I looked down to see Macy's mangled pinky finger, which had just escaped from being trapped in the hinge side of a closing bathroom door. I have never seen anything so disgusting. The tip of her pinky finger was mangled. Almost completely flat in two different locations, and bent to one side. I was sure it was going to fall off. I just started screaming. Not yelling, just hysterically screaming. I'm not sure where the cool, calm, collected mother went, or perhaps she is just a fantasy, but a hysterical, irrational, foolish mother stepped in and called the ambulance. An ambulance!! For a finger! I just didn't know what else to do. I had two other crying children on my hands, no husband, no neighbors at home, a car, but no wits about me with which to operate a vehicle. And so I called 999, emergency services, and ordered up an ambulance. I then called my husband and screamed "GET HOME NOW". Then I called my friend Peggie, and did the same thing to her. The paramedic arrived to one screaming baby, two crying children, a chagrined, sobbing mother, and a pinky that had miraculously reformed into a rather normal looking finger, except for a bit of under-surface blood and swelling.

They decided to take us in anyway, for x-rays, and so we strapped her carseat onto the gurney, as she screamed, and Peggie stayed with the girls until Tim arrived. About 10 minutes into the ride, the Children's Nurofen and perhaps some adrenaline kicked in, and Macy happily flirted with the paramedic until we got to the hospital. For the next two hours I sat and paced, and held Macy who couldn't have been happier to have alone-time with her mommy in a fun waiting area filled with germ-infested toys. When the results of the x-ray came back completely clear, I was equally relieved and annoyed, really glad that Macy was okay, but also thinking that I had once again wasted several hours of my life in the emergency room waiting area for nothing.

I pray there won't be a next time, but if there is, I'm going to do my best to remember that fingers trapped in doors bounce back, and if I can survive the initial horror perhaps I can play Dr. Mom at home instead.

Practicing the Presence

Have finally started reading this book. Love it.

I have been praying for the last several months for God to make me aware of his presence in my everyday activities. Pleadingly I have told him that I need him to meet me at the kitchen sink, because that seems to be where I spend most of my time. I don't have the luxury of spending hours in prayer and meditation, nor do I have the energy to go out to prayer meetings and worship events in the evenings, so I need God to meet me while I change nappies, wash dishes, peel potatoes, and read stories. After my last day away at Turvey Abbey I went to church in the evening, having spent the day writing in my journal about this issue. Simon, the lead elder at our church, came and prayed for me. Not knowing the journey I've been on, he said, "Greta, I've sensed this before and haven't said anything, but I sense the anointing of Brother Lawrence on you. The presence of God was with him as he peeled potatoes in the kitchens, and his brothers had to make him go to the prayer closet--he didn't ever want to because he said he met with God just as well, if not better, whilst doing his chores." I laid on the floor and wept for about half an hour. The presence of God was on me in a way I haven't experienced before, and I felt, perhaps for the first time, not only the deep love of God for me, but the deep interest he has in my heart's desires. As I lay there, I knew that God had heard my secret prayers, and was delighted to answer them.

I feel like I've started a new journey that is both exciting and scary. What will it look like to try to consciously open myself up to the will and mind of God every minute of every day? I know there will be successes and failures, joy and pain, blessings and sacrifices. I am hoping others who are on the same journey will come alongside me and share their adventures, encouraging me on to deeper intimacy with Christ, baby-step by baby-step.

The Kelsey Hoppe Fan Club

I've been wanting to write a post about this lady for a while, but hadn't gotten around to it. I won't try now that my blog-guru has raised the bar higher than I could possibly achieve. I will just say, "Amen."

Macy turned one a month ago, and I finally managed to upload her video, so here it is. Sorry for the poor quality--I was too impatient to wait 45 minutes for the hi-res to upload! For those of you who don't know Emma, she's my friend who has two children close in age to Cerys and Macy. They are our surrogate family in Bedford, along with Peggie and Eden, all of whom were with us to celebrate Macy's birthday, and it's Emma who puts Macy's hat on at the beginning of the video. Happy belated birthday, Macy Sue!

Today's heresy

In response to iPete, here we go.


I don't really understand all the physics, or exactly what a TOE is, but here's my thinking on how there will be lots of everybody in heaven, (or whatever reality there is after we die). I've been doing the Lectio Divina fairly often lately, and last night I was doing it with my husband using Ephesians 1:11:

In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will

The phrase that struck me was "works out everything," and what I sensed was God working like crazy to bring everything back into alignment with his will. It seemed to me that we're constantly throwing things out of whack, and he's constantly maneuvering things to get them back in sync, like billions of times a day, and that's just what God does. And it occurred to me that if we could all just work with God, eventually things would stop getting out of whack. Since I'd been pondering the question posed by iPete, that played into my heart's listening, and I felt God remind me that his will is that "none should perish, but all should come to repentance" (2 Pet 3:9) Which made me think that if God's will is that no one should perish and he's always working to get things in line with his will, then why are we so worried about getting people into heaven? He told us to go make disciples, and if we do that, then a lot more people will be working with God, and perhaps the revolution that Jesus started can finally end.

To conclude, I guess my TOE is that Jesus has salvation covered to his liking, and my job is to work with him to make disciples. At the moment I've got three I'm working on, actually, me makes four, and my husband makes five.

The best news ever!

Our holiday was a bit of a misadventure, so the drive home was a bit tearful until we saw this. And another highlight, which was slightly dampened five minutes later by the news that our tent had just collapsed beyond repair, was this.

Yay Stavs! Yay Lueckes!

Let the little children

I was at Costco the other day, doing my crazy mother-of-three thing of pushing a shopping trolley loaded with heavy groceries and two small children whilst carrying a third even smaller child in my left arm, when I got to the car and realised that I had lost my car key. Willing myself not to either a) throw myself on the floor in a tantrum; or b) leave the children and trolley in the car park and run into Costco to beg someone to find my keys, I lugged said children and trolley back into the warehouse to inquire if anyone had turned in my key. The very helpful lady at the information desk said that no such key had been turned in and perhaps I should take my one arm and my children and my heavy trolley and retrace my steps through the store. I followed that very helpful advice, looking first in the cafe, and second in the bathroom, and finally retracing my steps through the entire store. When no key surfaced I suggested to Cerys that perhaps she could ask God to find my key, since he didn't seem to be listening to me. She quickly said aloud, "God, please would you find Mommy's key?" and then to me, "Mom, did you hear him say yes?" Close to tears, I said, "No, honey, I didn't hear him. Did you?" She replied, "No, we better ask him again. God, would you please find Mommy's key?" Awestruck by her innocence, and flabbergasted by her determination, I walked back over to the information desk who had a different helpful lady behind it, and said, "Has anyone turned in my car key?" After describing it in detail, she said, "Yes, I've seen it. Let me go get it. It was in the bathroom." Praise the Lord.

As an aside, if there are any Milton Keynes Costco employees happening upon this post, may I suggest that when a tired mother loses her key, it would be helpful to search the store for her, or at least offer to watch her trolley while she searches, or better-yet, just give her the key since her search will be fruitless as the key is actually locked up in your office. Thank you.

Facebook?

So, I finally joined the Facebook Revolution and am totally overwhelmed. I just wanted to see pictures of this fabulous 80's party I went to on Saturday night, but I can't see them because Wendy hasn't confirmed me as her friend yet, and I've got all these other friends who want to be my friend, but when do I have time to be writing on people's walls and completing my personal profile and looking at other people's walls? And is that all it is, just looking at walls, or is there much more that I'm missing? One more thing to stress over not doing well. Great.

A Child's Heart

Cerys has been asking a lot of questions about God lately. She wonders how he can be everywhere if we can't see or hear him. When we were in California she wasn't allowed out in my aunt Lynn's garden without supervision because of the swimming pool, and one afternoon she asked if I'd go out there with her. I was feeding Macy and said that she would have to wait until I was done. She looked at me and cunningly asked if God was everywhere. Unaware of the trap being laid, and rather proud of her curiosity, I replied that yes, God is everywhere.

"Is he in the back garden?"

Still clueless, I replied, "Yes."

"Well then God can watch me, can't he?"

Taken aback at her utter genius, I tried to back-paddle and not crush a child's very real faith. In the end I just said that God had put me in charge and that though he was in the back garden he wanted me to be out there too.

This week one of her friend's moms was telling me that 4-year-old Jasper had "invited Jesus into his heart" this week. Having never broached that subject with Cerys before, I wondered how she would reply to such an idea. More out of curiosity than an actual desire for Cerys to "become a Christian" I ever-so-carefully began to explain that Jasper had asked Jesus to live in his heart and that meant that Jesus and God would always be with him and help him to make good choices and love other people.

"What do you think of that Cerys? Would you like Jesus to live in your heart?"

With a look of confusion and perhaps even annoyance she clutched her chest and said, "No, that would be very uncomfortable."

Good point, well made.

Happy Anniversary

Four years ago today I landed in England to stay.

Recap

I have been so encouraged because I have found a way to commune with God that resonates with me in a way nothing else has. To sit in His presence without getting my logic involved, but to just relax and listen to his voice and let it sink in without having to grapple and try to 'get it' but rather to let it get me. I feel encouraged that God is doing my dishes because I am doing my dishes. I feel encouraged that I now know deep in my soul what I have known in my head from day one, that a mom who feels like her brain is on hold can still do the work of God.

And as a side, it was wonderfully satisfying to know that even in silence, my husband is still the funniest guy I know. And one of the wisest, too.

Session 6

Let God's gifts wean you away from selfishness and help you to let go of concern over what is yours by right. Desire nothing for yourself--nothing--neither pleasure, spirituality, nor the Kingdom of God, nor that you will be satisfied.

God's gifts wean.

I had the distinct impression that God rejoices each time I make a tiny step towards selflessness, just like parents clap hands at a baby's first mouthful of cereal. Just as a mother chooses and directs a baby's first meals, so God is weaning me from a life of selfishness. It is not my job to go home and stop being selfish but to allow God to wean me from selfishness. This is a task I can do, whereas to just stop being selfish is formidable. It was so encouraging to feel God's pleasure at my desire to take the first steps.

Session 5

Meister Eckhart is chopping logs. 'I could do that for you' offers God. 'You already are' says Meister Eckhart.

You already are.

Don't neglect the natural. In my background I have been taught to go after the supernatural, and my response to God's offer would have been, "yeah, great, thanks" as I expected to watch the logs magically split and neatly pile. But it occurred to me that I would be as well off praying that someone would find the cure for cancer or that we would be enlightened as to how to avoid cancer all together, as I would be praying for God to heal. Not to leave God out of the equation, but to recognize that all good things come from God, whether supernaturally or by the work of our hands. God has given us these bodies to use, not to overcome.

As Sister Lucy put it, God asked "Who is chopping logs?" And the response is I AM.

God, put it deep in me that all my actions are for You and by You because You are in me.

Session 4

We shall also find God in our most menial tasks. Indeed, when we perform a menial task with the same spiritual care as we perform our worship, then God will shine in us equally in both. All normal work in the world can be offered to God in the same way that we offer prayers.

Spiritual care, offered to God.

What would my life look like if I took the same spiritual care as I do in worship in getting dressed in the morning, getting the girls dressed, making meals, grocery shopping, bathing the girls, vacuuming, mopping, laundry, washing dishes, changing nappies, buying clothes?

God, I offer all these things to you. These are the things you have called me to at this time, and I have to be able to not only do them for you, but really find you in the midst of them.

Session 2

Exactly how does a person 'work together with God'? You achieve this by dropping your sense of self and your efforts. The single action of the spiritual path is to reduce self to nothingness. However this annihilation of self can never be brought to completion unless God brings it about.

The whole point of Lectio Divina is to get out of one's head and let God speak. It doesn't matter if I agree with this text or not, it's about gleaning what I can from it. What stood out to me was Reduce Self. No the self that is God-given: my talents, personality, dreams. But the self that elevates my needs and wants above others. I love who God made me to be, and I must develop the gifts he's given me, but not to my own end. This made me think of my kids. Most of the stress I have with them is because they are not doing what I've told them on my time table. I don't get stressed with Macy because her self is not yet conflicting with mine. What would my mothering look like if I could work to their timetables? Would I shout less if I could see myself as their servant?

In sharing, Tim pointed out that the exciting thing is that this is at the heart of God. As much as we want to work with God, he wants even more to work with us.

The Weekend

I'm back from a life-changing weekend away. Our good friends Phil and Emma had the girls while Tim and I meditated, prayed, discussed, chanted, and were silent. Using Lectio Divina to meditate on some of Meister Eckhart's pearls, I was humbled and inspired and deeply aware of God and his grace.

Finding my way

I ran for 65 minutes on Saturday. I was running through the fields and got completely lost, ending up far from home and tired. But I kept going since I had no money and no phone, until I made it to Peggie's house and begged for water and a lift for the remaining mile home. Last night I did this route with my running pal Sarah. Not quite as far as Saturday, but considering we did three major hills each followed by major stitches, I'm pretty impressed with us. And totally impressed with this website that tells me how far I've gone. I'm disappointed with my speed but loving my stamina. My knee is killing me today--I think the three kids in three years did a bit of damage to my connective tissue, but I'm flying high.

My beautiful niece

Miss Isabella Faith Sonnenberg

In a week of sadness and grief, a ray of light broke through yesterday. An hour into the memorial for Daniel my beautiful sister Anna gave birth to my niece. Welcome, sweet one. I cannot wait to meet you. Or see a picture of you, for that matter. Blessings on your wonderful head.

Daniel Koubesarian

Most of the time I love living in England, at least lately. But there are times that I think, "What am I doing here?" This is one of those times. My 24-year-old cousin, Daniel, was found dead in his back garden this weekend. I am in a bit of shock and in a lot of pain, and I just want my family. My best memories of Daniel are when he was younger. He was such a sweetheart. He knew everything about everything, really. He gave the best back rubs known to man. He was always available with a hug and a listening ear, and he was a champion karaoke-singer/sushi-eater. Trying to grieve such an immense loss with people who never knew Daniel is nearly impossible. I want other people who loved him to tell me their memories and to remember mine. I want to be able to be honest about who he was and where he was at without worrying about explaining what I mean. And most of all I just want to hug someone else who feels as bad as me. I hate death. I hate it. And man, did I love my cousin. I didn't realize how much until I found out he wasn't going to be around anymore.

Business Time

It's my hundredth post, and so as to not stress about what to say on such an important milestone, I'm cheating and posting this very funny video.

Weekend away

We got out of the house this weekend to go to the Leaders' Weekend Away with our Church. It was a truly amazing time of meeting with God and getting to know some new friends. Nick Sharp is an ex-con, an ex-paratrooper who met Jesus when he was 30+, as he sat in a jail cell waiting to be tried for assault and other nasty charges. He is someone who really has a grasp of what it means to be "saved". Not saved from some eternal punishment after death, but really and truly saved from a life he didn't want to be living. He talked about encouragement and exhorted all of us as leaders to learn to be encouragers. His basis was that God is absolutely for us and wants us to be encouraged, not only to feel good about who we are but to be spurred on to do the things God has for us with confidence that he has given us everything we need to do them. The Holy Spirit is the Encourager, and when we encourage one another we are doing something that he gets excited about. Encouragement is the key to prophecy and to mobilizing a church. Nick said it all much more clearly than I am summing it up, and his bottom line was this: When we walk into church we should be asking ourselves two questions. "How can I praise God? and Who can I encourage?" What a great posture in which to walk into our meetings.

Besides having great teaching, we had many chances to get out of our heads and let God meet with us at a heart level. There's something about a weekend like that where we spend time praising God with songs and spend lots of time crying out to him, repenting, asking for his presence, asking him for prophecies, asking for anything he wants to give us, that clarifies life. We let go of so many questions and just meet with the living God who cannot be boxed. He comes along and declares that he is the one who made heaven, earth, the sun, moon, and stars. He declares that he is bigger than anything we are facing, and yet small enough that he can come alongside each of us and tenderly care for us. He may not solve all our problems, in fact most likely not, but he makes us forget about them for a little while, and when we get back to life we have a new perspective and zeal, and it is good.

My eyes are red and swollen, but my heart is light, my soul is strong, and I am filled with love and passion and grace and vision. Not bad for a weekend, eh?

Lenten Progress

I haven't quite managed to keep up with my Lenten sacrifice of sleep. I put this down to the fact that I've only slept through the night twice since Lent began. Other nights I've been up one, two, three, four, five, six, lost-track-of-how-many times. I don't know what's going on with my kids. I've been the object of jealousy and resentment on more than a few occasions because my kids are such good sleepers, and I must admit I've been more than a little proud of this fact. My humble, "Oh, I've just been blessed with sleepy babies" has really meant, "Yeah, that's because my parenting skills are amazing." Well, that's all been washed away after having slept through the night five times since before November. Besides jet-lag, all three of them had the stomach bug and two colds, then there were nightmares, teething, a night-time cough, dirty nappies at strange hours, and general wanting of the mommy. On the nights that I lost track of my comings and goings from bed, I just couldn't face a six o'clock alarm, and so my much-needed dates with my running shoes and with my blog have been sorely neglected.

But, I slept through last night, and so I am groggily trying to put down into cyberspace some of the mad thoughts rushing through my brain before I have to face the wonderful and terrible three who will be my taskmasters today.

And the verdict is...

Since it is MY BLOG and all, I thought I'd share MY perspective on this Netherlands pitch before giving you the verdict. No cheating! Do not scroll to the bottom of this post to find the answer. You'll get there soon enough.

My mom was here for the week before and during the pitch, and rather than having an extra pair of hands for the week, my mom just replaced Tim around the house and with the kids for the week, since he was working until the wee hours of morning on this pitch and then was gone for two nights to actually do the pitch. The girls and I sacrificed hours with Daddy to do our part for the elliottyoung empire, and so we (well, I) were more than a little anxious about the outcome. If we won, would that make the hours of single-parenting worth the effort. Would our kids benefit more from us winning than from having their daddy around for those evenings he was at the office? For the last two and a half years we have been making these sacrifices in an effort to grow a business that we hope will support us until we decide to retire, and periodically we reassess and ask if it's all worth it. Would it be better to settle for a lower income in exchange for more time with the kids and with each other? Then the sacrifices would be fewer trips to the States and holidays closer to home, and no meals out ever, and a smaller house, and less flexible time working from home. But would those be better than sacrificing time with family? We seem to ask these questions every few months, or every time the work load demands longer hours than normal, and each time we decide to give it a bit longer and see if things level out. For now our kids seem happy with the amount of time they get from Disco Daddy, and Macy did say "dada" before she said "mama" so she must be seeing more of him than it seems, and I am capable of doing dinner and bedtime by myself a couple times a week as long as I get my date with my husband on a Thursday, so we're sailing through, for now.

And things are getting exciting. I've watched my husband grow from a guy who decided to try running his own business with a mate, when he thought he'd give this a try and then perhaps dabble in some other things, like limo hire and a coffee shop, to the director of a well-respected marketing firm with prospects of venturing into publishing and marketing consultancy. His business sense and God's provision have grown the company from a team of two part-timers to two directors with four full-time staff, a free-lance artworker and a part-time accountant. Clients include the largest pharmaceutical supplier to the NHS (the national health care system) and the largest exhibition company in the world. At the pitch they made Ogilvy look like amateurs. And they won the biggest client they've ever had. That's right, they won!!!!

I am so proud. I would have been proud, regardless, because I know Tim and Dan worked hard and did their best, but the sweet taste of victory is fresh in my mouth, and my heart is swollen with admiration for this man who started with a couple of little jobs and a vision and turned it into a successful business that is supporting his family. Well done, baby.

Another one from the hubby

Because my computer crashed, and then the computer on loan from work was taken back for the new employee, and because Tim has been working on his computer night and day on the pitch described in the following post and subsequently on taking care of the clients he neglected during said pitch, I have been computerless, and so my hubby has been posting more than me on MY BLOG!! But really, I'm happy to share. As long as he keeps saying nice things about me. And so long as he finishes the post that he made me take down last week before he asks me to post another one. And so long as he wins said pitch and makes us enough money to buy me a new iMac. And maybe a nice weekend at a spa.

Without further ado, I give you Tim.

Perhaps I should get my own blog. But then, I'm not the one with an international fan club, so nobody would read these epistles. Can't have that!

The joy of setting myself up for disappointment

I hate waiting. I pretty much hate waiting for anything - let alone waiting for the verdict on whether or not someone wants to pay for the sacrifices of my heart, soul, wife, and children.

Tomorrow, with a spot of luck, I'll be put out of my misery one way or another. Tomorrow I discover if a prospective client in Holland prefers my company over three others. If he doesn't - then several weeks of stress, Ibuprofen, caffeine, family neglect, sleep neglect, current client neglect, and generally everything that's good for me neglect... will be flushed into a Dutch sewer. I've lost count of the number of pitches we've taken part in since starting the company a little under four years ago - and while I know that we've won way more pitches than we've lost, for some reason, this particular pitch has gotten under my skin.

I think that over the past two years my general capacity for life has stretched far beyond what I've ever thought capable of. Much more than in myself, I see it in my wife on a daily basis. The past few months, for example, have been hellish for us - with at least one child (if not, one adult) continually sick or restless resulting in broken sleep for approximately 99% of the time since before Christmas. The night shift is largely (though not totally) borne by Greta, and while she's very tired most of the time, she's like some freakin' mother machine that (provided she gets some regular fuel by way of food, water and some rest snippets) can withstand extended periods of being pushed far and away beyond the manufacturer's recommended limits. On one hand, I watch her in proud awe. On the other, I know that she's no advertisement for anyone who's a little worried about whether they should become a parent of three young children lest they find that their lives are entirely taken over by such a project. Pah! (sarcastic sneers from me). Those who can't take the heat need to consider fail-safe contraception. A picnic it ain't. But if you have ever considered having the rough edges knocked off you good and proper and be forced to grow up into a real grown-up by way of exponentially increasing responsibility, then let the love flow, or adopt, and dive into the game. So... as I take a regular peek at Greta's 'this is how much I've grown this afternoon' chart, it makes me think about how much I'm also changing and growing. I can't see it quite as clearly as I see Greta's evolution, but I can EASILY see that this time last year I shared a shell with someone who ain't nuthin like the person I'm currently sharing it with. The responsibilities I'm carrying right now have recently come close, a few times, to knocking me flat on my arse (ass). A year ago, they'd have definitely knocked me on my arse (ass), and stomped me several feet into the dirt, and squished my face, and laughed while doing so. So... seeing change more clearly, albeit on something like an annual scale, also means that I see my boundaries more clearly - and when I'm invited to tender some work to a new client I'm getting an increased knowledge of just how much of a sacrifice that person, or persons, is/are asking of me and my family. And, since my capacity is increasing, so is the quality and thoroughness of my work. And, so is my awareness of all this. And it's this heightened awareness that has meant that this last pitch has, well and truly, dug its claws deep into my soul. All parties concerned put their hearts into this most recent piece of work - my business partner even sent his family to his in-laws for a week so that we could get it done with particular pride. In short, on one hand we've set ourselves up for disappointment on a scale we've never done before. On the other, within 24 hours of writing these words I could receive news that our proposals have been accepted, which will mean that the business will be taken forward, overnight, almost twice as far as we've managed to push it within four years.

This time tomorrow, I'm either going to be crying, or I'm going to be cracking open a bottle of champagne with my wife. We may even have one each.

And here's the point of all these musings... whether we win or lose, I never again want to meet a new client where I don't hand over my heart and soul. I don't mean that I want to pull out every possible stop available to me and risk driving my family and/or me over the edge - but I do mean that a standard's been set that unless I'm proud to the point of 'this is going to hurt real bad if you reject it', then I don't want to give it. Anything less is beneath the standards of my business, and beneath the value of the fee that we'll be charging for our work.

There have been plenty of pitches in the past where I've thought 'ah well, it doesn't matter that much if we lose', and I now feel ashamed that I ever thought that. They should all matter. And I should feel pain if rejected. And if rejected I should pray for speedy healing so that I can get back on my bike and try again. And if we win, it'll make the taste of victory all the more sweet. And oh... I love sweet things!

Here endeth whatever it is I'm trying to say.

Amen.

To snip or not to snip...

For the first time in 4 years and 9 months I am not pregnant and I am not breast-feeding.

I was sure after Macy was born that I was done having kids. I didn't want to go through any more progesterone poisoning, labor pains, middle of the night feeds, two-hourly feeds during the day, two-hourly diaper changes, having to be the one to get up to feed the baby first thing in the morning, choosing a name, postpartum depression, hormone swings, any of it. I was looking forward to getting to the stage of life where I had three young ladies who could sit and eat a meal without me having to get up, so that in effect I was going to have my first hot meal with children in four years. I was looking forward to having all three kids in forward facing car seats. I was enjoying the fact that they are all old enough to move around by themselves, to come to me if they need something, that they all play really nicely together, and that life can only get easier now.

But then we went for the vasectomy consultation, and in the same week Macy stopped breast-feeding, and all of a sudden my hormones are freaking out, and I'm freaking out, and I'm thinking, "Life is great. I could totally have another baby." I all of a sudden think that maybe I'm not ready to leave the baby phase yet. I love Macy's age. From about 6 months to 18 months is the most irresistibly cute age, in my opinion. Sure, all my girls are still cute, but that age is when they are smiling, giggling and interacting but not yet able to be naughty. Fantastic. Am I really ready to see the back of that? I'm remembering now how much I love being pregnant. Apart from the first three months, I love the anticipation, I love telling people and seeing their reaction, I love feeling the baby move, I love the way my body looks when by belly is so big I don't even notice how big my ass has gotten. I love the midwife visits and counting time in weeks and appointments. I even love people touching my belly. I love actually giving birth and seeing the purple, swollen, mess of a baby that only a mother could think is the most beautiful thing she has ever seen. I love the adrenaline rush I get and that lasts for about six weeks after birth. And I love watching that baby become (thus far) a little girl. Ooh, I just love every bit of it. At the moment. I remember very clearly saying to people in the last six months, "I am so ready to be done with the baby phase. I really need to keep a journal to remind myself of how hard this has been this time so that I can't say 'it wasn't that bad.' a few months down the line." But I didn't keep the journal, and now I really can't for the life of me remember a single part of it that I didn't love and wouldn't be ready to do again.

I just don't know what to do! I'm not good at indecision. Mr.t pointed out that Tim and I just make decisions and don't look back. And he's right. That's what we do. So this feels really weird to not know the way forward.

Yet another guest appearance

After nearly six years of marriage, I can almost always tell when Tim is kidding, but occasionally I take him seriously when I shouldn't. So at his request, I have removed this post for further editing, since he didn't want me to post it just yet. Even though he said he was. But that's Tim.

Not for the Faint Hearted

This is not for the faint hearted. It may be hard to hear, particularly for those who love me. It certainly was hard to say. But good to humble myself. Praise be to God.

Offended by Jesus

Matthew 11:2-6 and Luke 7:28-23 give almost identical accounts of John the Baptist sending some of his disciples to ask Jesus if he really was the Messiah or if they should look for another. I never gave these passage much thought until I heard Bill Johnson speak about them, and what he said gave rise to all sorts of thoughts. I cannot take credit for the idea, but the uncensored meanderings are mine.

John the Baptist had seen the Holy Spirit descend on Jesus like a dove and a heavenly voice declare that he was the Son of God, and yet he needed reassurance that Jesus was in fact the prophesied Messiah. Jesus replied that he was healing the sick, the lame, the deaf, and that "Blessed are those who are not offended by me." What a strange thing to say. Bill pointed out that Isaiah prophesied that the coming Messiah would amongst other things bring freedom to the captives. And where was John? Stuck in prison. So if this Jesus really were the Messiah, why was he allowing his biggest fan to rot in prison? I imagine John, being human and probably not terribly enjoying his stay in prison, sent his disciples not only to find out if Jesus were really the Messiah, but also to gently remind him that "Hey, I'm stuck in here, and it's your job as the Messiah to get me out." Jesus reply was heartbreaking. "Blessed are you when you are not offended by me." In other words, "I'm not getting you out, but stand by your faith in me anyway."

Hard. Impossibly hard sometimes. I think about the times I've been offended by Jesus because he hasn't done what I want him to do. I hated him when my parents got divorced. I thought it really out of order that he would (seemingly) answer prayers for their reconciliation only to allow them to divorce again within a few months. At the time (I don't feel this way anymore) I thought it would have been easier for them to have died than to have hope restored and subsequently crushed. I was terribly offended when Will died. I could not have imagined better parents and more worthy people than the Stavs, and their life was ripped away from them. The prayers of hundreds of people were ignored, and it seemed even scorned. And though I didn't hate him, I boxed him up and put him on a shelf and said, "You must not care about these things, so I'm not going to talk to you anymore about them." And I ignored him until Macy got her hernia and I really needed him again. Then I prayed and prayed and prayed, and I went to someone who God has used to heal people from incurable diseases, and I felt what I now know was Macy's ovary retreat through the hernia back into place, and my heart lept and then fell again when the ovarry reappeared the next morning. And I told myself at that point that I was not going to be offended, if it killed me, because God is just too big for me to understand, and if I understood him he probably wouldn't be God anymore. And the night before Macy's surgery, as I prayed for comfort and peace and help, I came to that strange place that the Bible refers to as the "peace that goes beyond understanding" and realised that even though Jesus hadn't healed Macy, he does care about her, and he does love her, and he was very aware of my anxiety and pain, and that he wasn't going to fix it but he was going to be there with me through it, and that had to be enough.

I am sure that many more situations will arise though the course of my life where I could be offended by Jesus, by his inaction, by his seeming indifference, by his silence, by people who claim to follow him but who don't love. But blessed are those who are not offended by him. And so I pray that I will make the choice, every day, to not be offended, and to continue to hope for his Kingdom to come. To see him as perfection and to not allow my personal feelings and perceptions to cloud that truth or to box him into my own experience. We see now in part, but in the future we will see him fully, and all this muck will be removed, and that peace of God will become understanding.

Lent

I don't pay much attention to the other parts of the Church calendar, but for some reason I find Lent very intriguing and motivating. Forty days set aside for a kind of fasting. When I was younger it was something we made fun of, with all of our Catholic friends giving up brussels sprouts and cabbage as their act of sacrifice. But as I grew older and was introduced to some people who actually made use of the practice as a way of growing closer to God, I started to appreciate that perhaps our Church Fathers weren't as legalistically religious and as I was brought up to believe. Perhaps they saw some actual value in spending forty days with a constant physical reminder of our need for a saviour and in spending that time in closer communion with that Saviour.

And so I began the practice of giving up all sugar for Lent. I did that for three years running, and found it incredibly difficult, as I have the biggest sweet tooth known to man. I spent the first few days in agony watching every donut, every square of chocolate, every custard cream biscuit, every bit of ice cream pass through the lips of anyone around me, wanting to reach down their throats and grab it for myself. Gradually the cravings decreased until by day forty I had sworn off sugar forever since I was by then feeling full of energy, having gotten over the highs and lows of daily sugar intake. But by April I had given in to the urge for a taste, by summer ice cream was a staple in my diet, and Christmas brought a gorging on chocolates, cakes and cookies. As another Lent rolled around I vowed to give it up again, and the cycle started again. After Christmas this year I decided to pray for some self-control, having gained nearly ten pounds in America and by eating the cookies sent home by my mom and AJ. The weight is off, and for the first time in my life I feel able to eat chocolate as a once-in-a-while treat rather than as a daily indulgence. Three years of discipline followed by gluttony conclude with the grace of some answered prayer. Is that what Paul meant about working out my salvation?

This year I didn't feel the need to give up sweets, and so I struggled to think of something that would be both sacrificial and life-giving. I came up with sacrificing sleep. Not all sleep, but a little sleep in the morning. Rather than starting the day with the children dragging me out of bed despite my protests, I've decided to greet the day before the kids wake up and spend some time with God, with my own thoughts, with my iPod and running shoes. Anything to take charge of my day rather than letting it steamroll me. Here I am on day three, a bit groggy, but trusting that the Redeemer will take my small sacrifice and bring life.

Tooting my own horn

I realise that this post will officially class me as a jogger, not a runner, but I don't care.

4 miles, 40 minutes. I am so proud of me.

All my byself

Addien is actively asserting her independence as often as possible these days, and our favourite saying around the house has become, "I do it my byself!"

Contentment

According to Easton's 1897 Bible Dictionary:

CONTENTMENT
a state of mind in which one's desires are confined to his lot whatever it may be (1 Tim. 6:6; 2 Cor. 9:8). It is opposed to envy (James 3:16), avarice (Heb. 13:5), ambition (Prov. 13:10), anxiety (Matt. 6:25, 34), and repining (1 Cor. 10:10). It arises from the inward disposition, and is the offspring of humility, and of an intelligent consideration of the rectitude and benignity of divine providence (Ps. 96:1, 2; 145), the greatness of the divine promises (2 Pet. 1:4), and our own unworthiness (Gen. 32:10); as well as from the view the gospel opens up to us of rest and peace hereafter (Rom. 5:2).

According to Greta:

CONTENTMENT
a state of being okay with the fact that your greatest accomplishment today may be taking a shower. It is opposed to envying your friends who actually get days off; wanting anything for yourself, even your own breakfast; ambition for a career, or any sort of recognition for the mundane work you do every day; worrying about your children's health, safety, future, and anything else that is completely out of your control; and wishing you had been a little more careful with the birth control when you'd had the chance. It arises from deep within your soul, where you know that this is the life God chose for you, and that despite all your moaning you actually love being a mom and are in awe of the responsibility and blessing given to such an undeserving person. It comes from getting to the place where you don't need recognition because you know that you are doing Kingdom work in serving the very people Jesus said were at the center of his Kingdom (Matt 19:14).

Sleep

I miss the comfort of your sweet embrace
as my head hits the pillow and I surrender to your spell.
I miss the feeling of waking in the morning having rested in your arms through the night
in such a deep trance that not even dreams can wrest me from you.
You tease me with your company for a while,
but you keep leaving me when I need you most.

Dear friend, would you introduce yourself to my Macy?
Would you woo her as you have wooed me?
Would you be a friend to her as you have been to me?
For the better acquainted she becomes with you, the more you and I can be together.

And what a happy day that will be
when once again I wake in the morning
to find that you and I have made it through a night
with nothing separating us from each other.
And I can cheerfully say goodbye to you until night
instead of tearfully clinging to you as my children shoo you away.

New Year's Breakfast

This was my version of a French Toast Strata. Another one for you, Mrs.

1 loaf (1 kg.) Panettone, cubed
8 oz Wensleydale with cranberries
8 eggs
2 1/2 cups whole milk
6 T butter, melted (if you can find Cointreau butter, even better)
1/4 cup pure maple syrup

1. Grease a 3-quart rectangular baking dish. Place half of the bread cubes in the dish. Top with crumbled Wensleydale and remaining bread cubes.

2. Combine remaining ingredients and pour evenly over bread and cheese. Slightly press layers down to moisten, cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate for 2 to 24 hours.

3. Bake, uncovered, in a 325 degree oven for 35 to 40 minutes or until the center appears set and the edges are lightly golden. Let stand about 10 minutes before serving. Serve with a dollop of mascarpone and maple syrup if you're feeling extra-indulgent, but it's pretty rich as is. Makes 6 to 8 servings.

Oh, so good. Mmm.

Peace, Fruitfulness, and Passion

Looking back on 2007, I came across the three words I used to describe what I hoped 2007 would be.

It was a year of peace. Tim and I got along so well this year. I feel like we really hit a stride in our communication. We lived in a peaceful neighborhood. We enjoyed peaceful sleep with a baby who started sleeping through the night at 12 weeks.

It was also a year of war. We fought depression. We fought fear and worry with Macy's hernia. Tim had stress at work.

It was a year of fruitfulness. Our third child was born. Elliottyoung grossed record revenues. The children grew. Addien learned to talk, Macy learned to move, and Cerys started preschool.

It was also a year of want. Tim worked too hard and wasn't home enough. I missed my friends and family in America. We spent too much time watching tv and not enough time working on our to-do lists. My stint with Creative Memories came to an end.

And passion. We celebrated our five year anniversary. I feel more in love with my husband every day. I was passionate about finding God in my everyday life. I was passionate about being a good mom.

I had lots of days that were just hum-drum as well. I struggled with feeling stuck in my life, feeling like everything is on hold until my kids are a bit older. I don't know where a lot my days went--they seemed to fly by without my participation.

I guess that's life. Full of light and dark, good and evil. That's what I learned in 2007. I learned to let some of my boxes go, to let some color into my black and white viewpoints. I found peace amidst turmoil, joy through sorrow, passion in mundanity.

For 2008 I hope for more of the same. I'd like to see my boundaries of faith, love, and grace pushed further open and to be challenged in those areas. I want to grow as a mom and develop my skills as a leader and teacher. I want to find one new thing to explore, either cooking or writing, I haven't decided. And I want to have joy. Much, much joy.