Grief

I'm having trouble coping with this grief. I feel like I need a day to just lay in bed and cry. But as so many have noted, the clock keeps ticking, the daily grind continues grinding, and people here in Bedford just have to keep going. And people in the US have to keep going to. There are doctor visits, money to be made, laundry to do, dinners to make, children to play with, floors to scrub, dishes to clean, ad nauseum. And through it all in the back of my throat is a little catch and tears sting the fronts of my eyes as I don't know quite how to return to life as normal. I have never been to anything so sad as Will's funeral. I will never get the sound of Mike's sobs as he looked at his son's casket out of my ears. I will never get over the feeling of sheer helplessness as I watched Stacy silently cry throughout the weekend. So I just keep going back and watching the slide show and reading the eulogy and the homily and trying to process this weight and wondering how I'm going to relate to this God whom I don't understand. But as Peter said "Lord, to whom can we go? You have the words of eternal life." So though I don't get what He was thinking when he didn't swoop in and rescue Will in the way I would have chosen, He's all I've got. And so I cling to Him. And carry on.