Understanding God's goodness

I've really been struggling with the concept of God's goodness this last week. I have always counted my blessings--two healthy, beautiful children, a loving husband, a "normal" life not badly affected by what could be termed a rather dysfunctional childhood, healed relationships with my mom and dad, Tim's growing business, wonderful friendships, unexpected gifts, etc.--and said "God is so good." And of course He is. But the death of Will caused me to do a bit of a double-take because I was so convinced that God, though not performing the great miracle so many of us had asked for, was indeed performing little miracles every day by giving Will breath, better-than-expected growth and development, and an approaching surgery that would bring relief for his overworked heart. Will's death has not made me question whether God is good, rather what my understanding of that goodness is. Because if God being good can be somewhat measured by the many blessings in my life, then does it not stand to reason that the loss of Will was an act of God's cruelty? But I don't believe God can be cruel, so what then? Was Will's death an act of God's goodness? How is that possible? His indifference? Surely not. His big-picture view that allows him to sacrifice one for the sake of many? I have no idea. It's all bigger than I can comprehend.

So here I am trying to be in relationship with this God whom I love but don't really "get". And I start to think, well maybe God's more about character and kingdom building than He is about personal circumstances. But then I think about Him caring for the hungry throngs that followed Him and miraculously providing them with superfluous food and raising Lazarus from the dead and that little girl, too. He definitely cares about circumstances. But maybe He's powerless to fix some things that are the result of Satan being the ruler of this world. Maybe Satan and God had a little discussion about the Stavs the way they had about Job and God said, "Yeah, give them your best shot." Somehow that seems a bit far-fetched to me. But maybe. Or maybe disease and death are just part of creation groaning knowing that right now it is totally at odds with God's perfect kingdom, and God not stepping in is just a way for Him to remind us of what we should be hoping for. The point is, I just don't know. And I probably won't know until I'm rid of this flesh.

The question then becomes, "Am I okay with not knowing?" Am I okay with saying, "God I don't really see where your goodness fits in here, but I believe in it anyway." And it's one thing to say that now, but will I be able to say that if one of my children ever dies? It's a scary thought. For me, these are scary times. But they're also exciting times. Because I feel like I'm having to press into faith harder than I've ever pressed before. I'm having to let go of some ideas that perhaps were inaccurate or even wrong and just ask God to teach me. I'm in a place of longing and wrestling and waiting. And I think that yes, at least right now, I am okay with it. As long as God's okay with me screaming "WHAT?" when the not knowing gets to be a bit much.